My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don't remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) May 23, 2013
"Your grandfather RT'd me, then one thing led to another, and that's how your father was born." -Grandmothers in 2063
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) May 22, 2013
Umlaut is a pretty fancy word for what are basically just little letter nipples.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) May 22, 2013
No thanks, long division.
— Glynner85 (@Glynner85) May 21, 2013
My mom just texted me that she's in town and wants to get dinner. How many days do I wait before responding so I don't seem desperate?
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) May 15, 2013
If I had sex with Ann Coulter and she didn't achieve orgasm I'd be like "everyone is solely responsible for his or her own success."
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) May 19, 2013
My Sunday school teachers must have been psychic cause they always said gay marriage was an Obama nation
— Amy Miller (@amymiller) May 20, 2013
.@googlemaps I gotta make a move to a town that's right for me. Can't find funky town pls advise
— Amy Miller (@amymiller) May 19, 2013
Humans always win Miss Universe. Racist.
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) December 20, 2012