"I wrote my thesis on overpriced sweaters." -Anthropologie majors
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) August 1, 2013
@mynamesmasha finding graffiti in that bathroom is like finding a girl in yoga pants in the Marina.
— nader! (@knawder) August 1, 2013
Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
— donni (@donni) August 1, 2013
Just forgot to exercise for four straight years
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) July 30, 2013
If a white girl has brunch and nobody is there to Instagram it, did it really happen?
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) July 29, 2013
The smell of Pine Sol always brings back childhood memories of my mom. Out drinking while we mopped the floors.
— Amy Miller (@amymiller) July 29, 2013
Twitter is the cry for help of an entire generation.
— Miles K (@NotMilesK) July 28, 2013
remember, if your friend is too high, hold their hand, rub their back, and whisper in their ear, "how weird is it that we all die?" #prankz
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) July 28, 2013
Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 27, 2013
Sorry lady – I'd take you to Funkytown, but I've got to get down to Swingtown.
— Jim Brandon (@jimbrandon) July 9, 2013
#WorstBreakUpExcuse The gradual shifting of tectonic plates made you live too far away.
— Tym Puglio (@the17birdman) July 16, 2013
If someone says hi to me in public and I can't remember who they are I just respond with, "Who is this? New phone."
— james coker (@JamesWCoker) July 24, 2013