All my ex's live in texas and they do not have access to affordable reproductive healthcare
— christopher_rex (@christopher_rex) July 20, 2013
Apparently "Give me one of whatever will stop my weeping" is not a valid drink order in this bar
— Michael Barthel (@michaelbarthel) July 20, 2013
Just looked in my Drafts folder and it's nothing but "Me and PSY should be 'Seoulmates'!!!" typed 150 times 😦
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 20, 2013
My dog ate my heart. #WorstBreakUpExcuse
— ♡ Selfless Love. (@JamiaTheGentle) July 16, 2013
I am beginning to think that I as a person am NSFW.
— eric dadourian (@ericdadourian) July 17, 2013
Relationships are tough, but when you find a special gal, you just gotta drag it out even if neither of you are happy. That's what love is.
— Smokey Jackson (@SmokeyJacks) July 17, 2013
When someone says, "If evolution is real, why are there still monkeys?" Tell them, "Education is real and there are still morons."
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) July 17, 2013
Know your ABCs: Always Be Clouding
— San Francisco Fog (@KarlTheFog) July 10, 2013
It's sad that "You must have a lot of free time" is never meant as a compliment.
— Josh Weinstein (@JElvisWeinstein) July 16, 2013
Puts on thinking cap. Recognizes the horror of an empty existence predicated on fleeting accomplishments. Takes off thinking cap.
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) July 16, 2013
"I am so baked right now" -Ziti
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) July 15, 2013