On a scale of one to Amanda Bynes how high are you right now?
— meow meow meow (@SubtweetCat) July 13, 2013
If someone shot me it would def hurt my feelings
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) March 30, 2013
Martin Sheen is the greatest president of my lifetime.
— eric dadourian (@ericdadourian) March 30, 2013
I think I would be a lot more social if I didn't have a memory foam mattress
— BEST COAST (@best_coast) June 24, 2013
Can someone explain to me how it is that Palantir has managed to keep its name out of all this PRISM news? Because, I mean, come on.
— Ryan Block (@ryan) July 9, 2013
Shredded cheese is grate.
— james coker (@JamesWCoker) February 17, 2013
Heaven sounds like a horrible place to end up if you are allergic to dogs
— Duncan Idunno (@DuncanIdunno) March 8, 2013
“Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Quirkily, quirkily, quirkily, quirkily, my paddle is a ukelele!” – Zooey Deschanel
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) March 11, 2013
Daily Affirmation: 'Meh.'
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) March 14, 2013
Instead of trying to see how big of a ship I can fit into a bottle, I like to see how much weirdness I can fit into a conversation.
— Matt Louv (@MattLouv) March 24, 2013
"Hmmm… not exactly boyfriend material." -me, shopping for fabric to make a body pillow
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) July 8, 2013
I'm going to start a post-music band. Nobody will play any instruments and fuck you for not getting it.
— Robert Brockway (@Brockway_LLC) July 8, 2013
Make art, not content.
— Marc Johns (@marcjohns) April 9, 2013
Just used the phrase "emotional hardship" on the phone with Time Warner re: broken DVR
— Masha Tivyan (@mashativyan) April 18, 2013
ENTERTAINING TIP: Lighting a bunch of candles makes a great substitute for having a personality.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) May 22, 2013
Was just finishing up my awesome new comic book "Sideburns Knifehands" when someone told me about Wolverine. God Dammit!
— Doug Perkins (@DoctorDoug) May 23, 2013
Just visited Hamilton Beach and the shore was littered with pots & pans.
— james coker (@JamesWCoker) May 25, 2013
You know what they say about SF: if you don't like the weather, it's perfectly okay because everyone's feelings should be validated
— San Francisco Fog (@KarlTheFog) June 5, 2013
Sofia Coppola is definitely my favorite director who has a line of tiny cans of pink champagne named after her.
— eric dadourian (@ericdadourian) June 15, 2013
"your face is like a poem to me. a CHARLES BUKOWSKI poem hahaha BOOM"
— Séamus Gallagher (@ShameusSeamus) June 30, 2013
When billy mays died, all the stains came back.
— sam (@samknowswords) July 7, 2013
San Francisco: the only city where you can walk uphill both ways
— San Francisco Fog (@KarlTheFog) July 10, 2013